I am a little angry with myself this morning. On Sunday, I heard a message on finances, with the underpinnings all about contentment. I think with all the stuff going on lately, I have really been able to coast under my own radar. I hear the words, "I'm fine. Totally great! Just waiting for the mister to come home, but doing great!" coming out of my mouth all the time. And I really, truly believed it. And part of it is true, but I am realizing that I have slowly started to channel a lot of my insecurities and my fears and my plain old loneliness into home improvement and decorating projects.
I love decorating and going on the hunt for something new and unexpected, but that satisfied feeling is so short lived, before I turn my attention to something else. I started to feel like home improvement was like Niagara falls. I was being pushed over the edge and it was never ending, one project after another. This gets a little confusing when you talk about caring for your home, though. The mister always encourages me to use my artsy side in our home and make it the best I can, but I think I have been trying to fill up something inside of me and turned my focus from caring for the family to using things to satisfy instead of Christ. Spent a great time in prayer this morning, praying for a friend whose husband is about to go through chemo, and thinking about what little time I have spent lately praying for those outside my family. Getting my focus off of me all the time and seeing other people. Man, it is just too easy to be self-focused. Especially when you give yourself a nice big excuse.
I get a lot of sympathy with the man being in Afghanistan, but honestly, it has been so good for so many reasons. I am in the Word almost every day. I do feel such a need to spend time with Christ. I haven't felt that in a very long time. The days I miss my time with Him, I feel it the whole day. I love that Christ has made some drastic changes in my heart and is revealing more and more junk that He is chipping away at. This missing-the-mister-time is not nearly as hard as what so many others are going through in our church and in our circles. I am not saying I will stop working on our house, but I keep praying that God will purify my heart, that my motive would be to be a good keeper of my home and a godly example to my girls. Fighting laziness and working hard to care for the things God has graciously given is not a sin, far from it! But, if my motivation slides from that into trying to feel validated, and rewarded for my own good works, then we have a big problem. If I am left feeling discontent or hurriedly seeking out something better to work on instead of taking some quiet moment to be thankful and satisfied in my Lord completely, we have a big problem.
All that to say, I am encouraged. In just these few moments that I sat and wrote this out, I am encouraged. Anytime the Lord opens my eyes to sin, I get pumped that Christ is working in my life. He is stirring things up and dumping some of the junk I like to carry around with me. Hooray for baby steps! Time to channel some of that energy into my walk with Christ.